It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
