You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
