It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
