dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
