Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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