Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
