ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
