My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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