yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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