would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
