I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
