so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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