how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
