Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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