theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I will pee on everything he values.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
