She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
