everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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