Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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