Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I believe in your delicious
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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