did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
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I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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