I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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