I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
