I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
