I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
