If that was your dad, he is hot
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
