i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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