I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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