If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
