4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
