I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
