Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
