If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Randomize
