If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
