If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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