No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
