This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
