Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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