I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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