woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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