Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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