Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
