Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
