I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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