My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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