I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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