someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
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That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got inside last night via doggy door
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