I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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