we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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