tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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