I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
