When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
