yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
True strength comes from lack of pants
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
