so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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