He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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