If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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