If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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