so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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