get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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