She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize